It's not so terribly hard to not call... because I don't know if he'd even answer and I know he would hear me crying.
but it's very hard to not keep writing him. To not text message him. To not email him. To not send him a letter.
It is so hard to not send him pictures of us together. of us smilying, of our kiss at the wedding.
It is so hard to see his picture accidentally on one of my computers, or a place in the house that I forgot to take down.
But who am I kidding? that man is not this new man. This new man that looks at me with scorn. That man was a wonderful, kind, strange, silly man. This new man is hateful, spiteful, vengeful and arrogant.
I need to keep telling myself that this man is not my husband. My husband is gone. It is much as if my husband died.. and some doppleganger came into my home.
Perhaps if I think about it this way I will be able to better grieve. My husband is gone, and he is never coming back.
How would I handle it if he had died instead?
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I wish you the best during this trying time in your life.
ReplyDelete"How would I handle it if he had died instead?"
ReplyDeleteYou'd feel more free, is the short answer. You'd have a lot of anguish, but also a distinct spot to "let go." As it is, it's the worst of all - absence of the person you loved, and the prolonged presence of someone destructive. (Real uplifting, right?)
The nightmares go away. But, it takes time. I started an MM thread some time back, "Quotations." My favorite is, "The best way out is always through." Robert Frost. Very, very apropos to your situation.
One nightmare, I almost want to describe but it's not really fitting for a public blog. Maybe you have these. They are scary.
Continuing wishes to you.
Write to him. Write to him and tell him all the things that you want him to understand.
ReplyDeleteHowever don't send it. Keep it for yourself.
well i did kind of already do that frootloop, but i did send it :( That was several days ago. it was right after the divorce lawyer meeting. it was awful.
ReplyDeleteanyway he never replied. I've not contacted him in any fashion since then and I am going to TRY not to.
I completely AGREE that you should write it all out of your system, offline. Notepad may well have kept my sanity. (That being a relative term. :) )
ReplyDeleteMost things I got out of my system, in retrospect seem mild and sometimes petty. But there is no such thing when it's happening right then. Apology, shame - this holds things in and the miracle of Notepad helps it all get out.
FooFoo! Big hugs! I understand what you mean about wanting to call and text him. A good friend told me that I needed to wait on my SO. If they are going to come around it will have to be on their terms. I waited over two weeks and finally the texts are coming. I haven't gotten a call yet but I have been promised that we can get together to discuss why this all happened and that leaves me feeling a little hopeful.
ReplyDeleteI am glad I finally was able to log in and found you. I have to get to reading!
Big hugs!!!!