This is what I said.
____
Are you sure that this is what you want?
That there are no alternatives for you?
That you never want to see me again?
Are you sure?
If so, (or if not) know that I have forgiven you in my heart for leaving me, and for the breaches of trust.
I have forgiven you for giving up on us, and for making the decision to get a divorce.
I have let go of my anger Chris, of all of it.
I am sad beyond measure, but I wish you health, happiness, and fulfillment in your life.
I miss you, I miss your smile, I miss your laugh and your wave to our crazy neighbors.
I love you
____
It is all true.
I know I said I don't miss him specifically. I think at the time I didn't. Right now I do.
But, most of all, I have forgiven him. He has done what he felt was necessary. It doesn't mean that I have to agree with it, or can't be hurt by it, but it does mean that He did what He felt was necessary... and I cannot be angry about it anymore. I cannot be angry at him for everything from the past.
I just can't be angry anymore. It's not helping anything.
I am letting go of it.
I am not asking for him back. I am not going to write him ever again. I am letting go.
It is very sad, but I'm no longer angry, and that is a relief. I have been too angry for too long, and it was making me bitter.
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Bravo. Sounds like you are getting past him.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jim.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I'm getting past him, or getting past myself. Either way I'm getting past something.
The last couple of days have been extremely hard for me. Mondays are always really hard, and I had a good dream about him, a dream that we had gotten back together ina way last night.. and so I've been crying silently a bit this morning, which is akward and have had to pass it off as alergies at work. blah. :P
My take is, you are getting past the anger. For me, this was (is) a very hard thing to let go. Since his condition is what it is, getting past the anger necessarily means getting past him. Again that's just my take.
ReplyDeleteThe dreams are coming bing-bing-bing. Based on what I wrote, I am reading that you're coming to grips with it all. For example, if this really is where it ends, it seems that you and he never had a proper good-bye. Maybe last night, that was it - "one last dance, last fandango with who you married and who he was." I've had some like that too.
Faxing hugs.
Not sure if it helps, but some of my nightmares were so intense, I went 2-3 months without needing coffee in the morning. So it spared me of a mild addiction. I was consumed with my own crisis, but free from the pull of Starbucks.
ReplyDeleteFor what that may be worth. :D
ha , yeah i already don't drink caffeine as it is.
ReplyDeleteIt's one of those things that I quit when I was dating him, because he didn't like that I had that addiction. So I gave it up.
"It's one of those things that I quit when I was dating him, because he didn't like that I had that addiction."
ReplyDeleteUm, yeah you're doing the right thing now.
LOL! I just told everyone here that my allergies were kicking up.
ReplyDeleteI like what you wrote. It seems simple and to the point without getting bitter. I am glad you are moving past.
And yes, I agree with Jim, you are doing the right thing. Sometimes we just need to be told that.
why is it the right thing because he wanted me to quit caffeine?
ReplyDeletei mean... i'd encourage someone to quit smoking or doing drugs or whatever...
ReplyDelete"why is it the right thing because he wanted me to quit caffeine?"
ReplyDeleteSo glad you asked! I didn't want to tell a story b/c it would be a hijack. But Funny story - if "funny" means "eerily similar" -
We were watching HBO in some hotel - it was a comedy special. I thought some of the routines were hilarious! I was laughing; she wasn't. Finally she interrupts and says, "You know, I really don't think that's funny!" I said, oh OK. And then kept laughing.
Finally, she mutes the TV and then turns it off. "I can't believe what you would laugh at!" Yes, the male comedian was occasionally sexist. Which is way worse than, you know, a female comedienne who's sexist. That's perfectly fine.
My main point though is, she's telling me what I'm allowed to laugh at. And - sorry. I never say certain things, but if others say it, I consider the ability to laugh an inalienable right. It's what keeps me sane (especially now). And why do you think I keep sending funny/stupid stuff your way? I hope you laugh; would you rather puke?
I hope you laugh lots, at whatever you darned well want. (Goes for anyone reading this.) My mainest point (yes, mainest) is, you were letting him tell you what you get to do and don't get to do on your own time. He "didn't like" that you had this "addiction." This was never an addiction. You weren't altering your behavior. You weren't throwing the budget into the red. But no - even though you enjoyed it and it perked you up, he didn't like it, so that settles it. Recall that this is the same guy who had whatever online activity on his own. Tell me that that isn't an addiction.
And please enjoy some coffee.
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ReplyDeleteThis could be an MM thread:
ReplyDelete"Spouses, Coffee, and Addictions"
"In passing, I mentioned on my blog that I gave up coffee for my now-STBX when we were dating, because he didn't like that I had that addiction. One contributor (PBJ) said that it was a sure sign that I was doing the right thing with the divorce. I guess I agree, but why that?
"His position was, the morning coffee isn't an addiction, and one spouse or SO doesn't get to "tell" the other what to do, when the activity is harmless and helps put one's mind at ease. It's not about coffee; it's about possession. Especially when he denies an addiction to porn. My coffee never hurt anyone.
"Invisipeeps, your opinion? Should a dutiful spouse give up coffee because the other spouse says so?"
haha... well when you put it THAT way.
ReplyDeleteanyway he apparently has admitted to his porn addiction now. and credits me with showing him the light.
See... sometimes he's good. Sometimes he's kind. And sometimes he gives me props for stuff.
:(