Worked out yesterday! whoooo

I bought this plan called Slim in 6. It is a good workout, and I did the first one yesterday (the day I received it.)
You have to work out 6 days a week, and are supposed to eat good for you food, which of course I didn't do so well at yesterday OR today. but I'm trying to not eat as MUCH bad for me food. so that is progress.

Today I went on a giant shopping spree with my mom. Bought several new dresses, some shirts and a couple skirts, one of which is too small and mom declared I shouldn't wear until I lose at least 30 lbs. >:( !!
I think 10 lbs.
And some Spanks. I'd look just fine. hmph!!!!
Maybe I'll take a picture of myself and y'all can help me decide if it's indecent.
sigh.

I also bought a new Brahmin purse and a Brahmin big bag that I'm going to use as my briefcase. WAAAAY TOO MUCH MONEY IS GONE TODAY!!!!! lol

oh well :P it was fun. I can't wait to wear my dresses everywhere!!!!!!!!! yyayayayayay

Oh yesterday before I worked out, I also took all my measurements, and some before pictures. They are gross, so I am not going to post them.

I will post if I lose any inches or weight or whatever. :)

Last night was a bad night for me again. Too many thoughts and dreams about stbxh. I just feel really lost and unhappy sometimes... but then I also realize well at least I know this now, and I'm not a step mom anymore, which is a lot less stress (it wasn't a stress to be a MOM it was a stress to not be the REAL mom.... it was a stress to be with my stbxh while kids were around. he is such a loser.)
ok he's not a loser. but... he's awful to be around when his daughter is around.
anyway i digress. blah.

the point is, I am not really sure I'm any more lonely now than I was before. I am mostly lonely when I go to sleep, and when I want to call someone.

so fat :(

So I have become almost as fat as I was several years ago before I went on weight watchers. I am only about 20 lbs away from it, and only 7 lbs away from when I first bought a scale for home.
I just keep eating and eating. I've been really active, and getting some exercise but I am eating so much that I am continuing to gain weight. I've gained now about 28 lbs since my wedding. I have gained 16 lbs since January alone.

I am a heffer.

So I am going to use my journal to talk about my weight, and hopefully weight loss.
I have no cakes or pies in the house. No brownie mix. No fried potato chips. No pop tarts. No candy bars, I have some pirouline's but I'm going to give them to my stepdad or throw them out if he doesn't want them. So I've eaten most of the bad stuff that I have in the house.
I do however have some sugary cereals, and I think if I can just eat one bowl at a time of those I should be ok, and only one bowl a day. Then I'll not buy anymore. sigh.

so, that is good.
Now I have to focus on no more food from fast food places (I don't eat much of this, but I LOVE sonic, and I have to not go anymore. I basically can't eat fast food ever again because this is one of the things I did to lose 90 lbs on weight watchers, and if I can do it once, I can do it again.), and not eating giant quantities.
Also I can't buy anymore of the aforementioned badformestuff.... because if it's in the house, I'll eat it.

so, you all are going to know how fat I am now, but here is my starting weight from this morning... *Blushing furiously*

248.6

:(:(:(:(:(:(

I know, gross right? but I have to be honest with myself and in order to give me an added incentive to lose weight, I'm going to be honest with you all about how much I weigh. And hopefully how much I lose.

So I weigh about 20 - 25 lbs more than I did when I first met my husband. Around 18 lbs more than when I started a quick diet for the wedding, and 28.6 lbs more than my wedding day.
I don't think 20-25 lbs would make him leave me or say he's not attracted to me anymore, because I'm 6'1" so it doesn't look like as much as say a 5'7" tall person...

So I'm choosing to continue to believe my STBXH is an ass, and isn't attracted to me anymore because I got pissed at his infidelity.

everything always goes back to him doesn't it? I guess my weight gain is related to him and my depression.

Well not my weight loss.
That will be ALL ME!!!!!!!!

:)

Got my hair cut!!!!

updated picture.
yippi!

I got banned from MM!

I can't post anymore. :(

List of Stuff I want from partner

So I am making this list... it will help me process what I did love about stbx and what I did not love. It will also help me see if I get infatuated with someone down the road and think "he's the one" then I can come back here and say oh.. hmm... no i guess being "cute" does not make him the one. :P

Things I want:
- Honesty
- Decent sense of humor
- Decent health/not overly overweight
- 100% faithfulness
- Doesn't smoke
- Doesn't do drugs
- Drinks only occasionally, or at the most 2-3 drinks a week, and is responsible about it
- Likes cats
- Educated/getting an education
- Joy of reading (ok maybe not as much as me, but still reads occasionally, be it a news paper or books or whatever)
- wants a family (1-2 kids, maybe adopt one)
- Good to others
- Respectful to others
- Loves and values family members (his and mine)
- Likes to spend time with my family
- Doesn't make fun of me for my zombie obsession
- Likes my silly faces and noises, and encourages them
- Likes going to movies
- Wants to go out dancing with me
- Wants to do activities with me, instead of by himself at least 80% of the time
- Likes to explore sexual stuff with me (outside of involving a 3rd party)
- Doesn't do porn or strippers unless I'm with him and say it's ok
- Is supportive of my career, but would also be supportive if I stayed home with the kids for a while (assuming we could afford it)
- Is smart, and could support us if I lost my job
- Values home ownership
- Open to going to my church
- wants to have grown up conversations
- ok to be silly and playful sometimes too
- wants to have grownup relationships with other couples/people that aren't still in their teens or early 20's.
- not afraid to show me that I am important to him
- places me before all others
- puts our marriage as his #1 priority, besides health and God if he's into God.
- Doesn't do anything that he wouldn't do if I was in the room (besides poo)
- Loves me for me, not for who he wants me to be
- is someone I can love for him, not for who I want him to be

Today's a bad day

I am feeling very lonely, missing my husband, and feeling generally crappy about myself because he left me, and apparently hasn't looked back a single time.

How could he leave me?
How could he not contact me in any way?
How could he just let go so incredibly easily, while I'm left here dying inside?
I loved him so much.
I could never have abandoned him like this. Never.

If I ever get married again

I'm going to do it in my back yard, with a justice of the peace or something similar, and just like, a barbeque.
And I'm going to wear a prom dress.
I even Have it in my closet (no I didn't buy it for that purpose)
and it's black
and it's sooooo me.
And my husband can wear whatever he wants
and it'll be fun, and low key, and cheap, and unpretentious, and great.

My wedding to my STBXH was everything I wanted it to be.
I don't ever want to do it again. I just want to invite our close fam and friends and have a party.
:)