Not missing STBX!!!

So I am not missing my STBXH. This is so awesome.

I have been talking to his ex gf (the mother of his daughter) a lot recently. she seems to really like me. She talks about how much she hates STBX a lot, so it's kind of an akward conversation. She went through a lot of similar stuff that I did, but I don't feel bitter about all of it like she does, and it was so many years ago for her. but it is interesting. She told me that STBX friended her on facebook, or tried to at least. she denied him. WTF is wrong with him? She can't stand him, he talked trash about her non-stop our entire relationship, and he deleted ME as his friend before he even left me, and he wants to friend HER?! What a maroon.

While we were engaged, I remember telling my STBX "I recommend never saying that again (or never lying about that again) with your future girlfriends, because no one is going to put up with that." etc.
He would always say that he was only going to be with me forever. I had serious doubts.

Why did I marry him?
Because I wanted to be married. Because I loved who I thought he was, who he said he was. Because I wanted a family.

These things, I can accept within myself as my driving factors forthis marriage. I tried harder and longer than most people would, because my desire for the state of marriage was so great.
I believe that I am understanding now that just because I'm married doesn't mean I'm happy. it won't make me happy, and if I'm not happy to begin with, being married won't make me that way, even if it is one of my big life goals, to be a wife.

Everyone on MM thinks I'm nuts. I made a really foolish mistake a couple months ago with the knife, and so now I'm seriously disturbed and need to be alone for a very long time, to work on ME. You know... if I sat t home at cut myself, or thought violent thoughts, or screamed or cried non-stop, or couldn't get out of bed each day, or had problems working, or paying bills, or keeping my house clean, or taking care of my cats, or just sat at home every evening and weekend and never did anything, I could see their point. But that is not me. I made one very bad decision, and was in a marriage for the wrong reason. I KNOW this though. I know why I did it, I know what drove me to do it (for both things), I know that I was self-doubting all the time, because I was being emotionally abused by my STBX. That is the bottom line. I became a neurotic freak because of the stress. I no longer have that stress. I have never had stress like that in my past, and I've been in relationships before. I do not beleive that I will have stress lke that again, as I have no plans on marrying a man who has severe psychological or neurological issues. Now if I do get married, and in 30 years my new husband develops say alzheimers, well I'll deal with that. I would have had 30 good years under my belt. I will have children (hopefully), and more friends (hopefully), and a better support system, through doctors and thereapists. I will not wait until it has reached catastrophic failure. I will go in the beginning, he will go in the beginning, and we will work through it.

anyway, my point is, i made some bad, poor choices. I did act crazy for one night, because I was trying so despertly to show him how much I needed his love and support, and begging him for it, and when he still refused i acted irrationally. I never threatened him or anyone else... but what I did was wrong, for gods sake I understand that!

It just really bugs me that I can't post anything ont hat board anymore without people telling me I'm crazy. No one in my life thinks I'm crazy. I in fact know no one who doesn't like me very much, and enjoy spending tim ewith me, besides STBX. So it is difficult for me to deal with this. And yes, my friends and all of my family know what happened 2 months ago. My psychologist knows. and still none of them think I'm crazy or need to take years of time to just be totally by myself. how ridiculous.

SOME time, absolutely. But my marriage has been over since it even began. And i think that is what people don't understand. Will I get married again just to be married? NO. I'm not a MORON. I learn from my mistakes!!!!

It's like they think I can't learn from a mistake, I'll just keep perpetuating this downward spiral. Perhaps that is because they do that, or do not learn from their mistakes, or have seen their friends do that. Well I am not your average bear. I made a mistake in marrying the guy, in staying with him, in not leaving him with my self respect in tact. I understand that, and I will NEVER repeat it again.

He tore me down, but I'm building me back up again.
Through time, effort, and the support of my friends and family.

Do I have rough days or rough hours in otherwise OK days? you betcha. I find myself quite lonely a lot, but not really lonely for a MAN just lonely in general, I wnt to have human contact. I felt so isolated for my entire marriage, and before that. I had no one outside of him, it was too hard, because he was too crazy to be around most people much, so I had to take care of him, and forsake my own wants and desires (at least that is how I felt, how he made me feel. I realize now that is wrong and unhealthy, of course.) and now that I am free, it is like I need that constant human contact, that constant companionship. I try to be online so much so that if someone pops up on IM I can ping them and talk to them, and just enjoy making contact with someone interesting and neat.

speaking of which, if anyone wants to chat, go on yahoo mail! hehe

but seriously... i don't know, i just.. i feel freedom. i can do what i want, when I want, with whom I want, and it is wonderful and interesting, and a little scary all at the same time. scary because there are so many choices. scary because sometimes there aren't ENOUGH choices.

I have not worked out this week. I feel really crappy because of it too. Got to get back into that. Been so tired because I'm adjusting to my new work schedule.

I'm in DC for the next 11 months it looks like. originally thought it was only going to be 6 months but now it's 11 months, til next June! :o
Hopefully i'll have a new job in the mean time. i don't know, we'll see.