Worked out yesterday! whoooo

I bought this plan called Slim in 6. It is a good workout, and I did the first one yesterday (the day I received it.)
You have to work out 6 days a week, and are supposed to eat good for you food, which of course I didn't do so well at yesterday OR today. but I'm trying to not eat as MUCH bad for me food. so that is progress.

Today I went on a giant shopping spree with my mom. Bought several new dresses, some shirts and a couple skirts, one of which is too small and mom declared I shouldn't wear until I lose at least 30 lbs. >:( !!
I think 10 lbs.
And some Spanks. I'd look just fine. hmph!!!!
Maybe I'll take a picture of myself and y'all can help me decide if it's indecent.
sigh.

I also bought a new Brahmin purse and a Brahmin big bag that I'm going to use as my briefcase. WAAAAY TOO MUCH MONEY IS GONE TODAY!!!!! lol

oh well :P it was fun. I can't wait to wear my dresses everywhere!!!!!!!!! yyayayayayay

Oh yesterday before I worked out, I also took all my measurements, and some before pictures. They are gross, so I am not going to post them.

I will post if I lose any inches or weight or whatever. :)

Last night was a bad night for me again. Too many thoughts and dreams about stbxh. I just feel really lost and unhappy sometimes... but then I also realize well at least I know this now, and I'm not a step mom anymore, which is a lot less stress (it wasn't a stress to be a MOM it was a stress to not be the REAL mom.... it was a stress to be with my stbxh while kids were around. he is such a loser.)
ok he's not a loser. but... he's awful to be around when his daughter is around.
anyway i digress. blah.

the point is, I am not really sure I'm any more lonely now than I was before. I am mostly lonely when I go to sleep, and when I want to call someone.

so fat :(

So I have become almost as fat as I was several years ago before I went on weight watchers. I am only about 20 lbs away from it, and only 7 lbs away from when I first bought a scale for home.
I just keep eating and eating. I've been really active, and getting some exercise but I am eating so much that I am continuing to gain weight. I've gained now about 28 lbs since my wedding. I have gained 16 lbs since January alone.

I am a heffer.

So I am going to use my journal to talk about my weight, and hopefully weight loss.
I have no cakes or pies in the house. No brownie mix. No fried potato chips. No pop tarts. No candy bars, I have some pirouline's but I'm going to give them to my stepdad or throw them out if he doesn't want them. So I've eaten most of the bad stuff that I have in the house.
I do however have some sugary cereals, and I think if I can just eat one bowl at a time of those I should be ok, and only one bowl a day. Then I'll not buy anymore. sigh.

so, that is good.
Now I have to focus on no more food from fast food places (I don't eat much of this, but I LOVE sonic, and I have to not go anymore. I basically can't eat fast food ever again because this is one of the things I did to lose 90 lbs on weight watchers, and if I can do it once, I can do it again.), and not eating giant quantities.
Also I can't buy anymore of the aforementioned badformestuff.... because if it's in the house, I'll eat it.

so, you all are going to know how fat I am now, but here is my starting weight from this morning... *Blushing furiously*

248.6

:(:(:(:(:(:(

I know, gross right? but I have to be honest with myself and in order to give me an added incentive to lose weight, I'm going to be honest with you all about how much I weigh. And hopefully how much I lose.

So I weigh about 20 - 25 lbs more than I did when I first met my husband. Around 18 lbs more than when I started a quick diet for the wedding, and 28.6 lbs more than my wedding day.
I don't think 20-25 lbs would make him leave me or say he's not attracted to me anymore, because I'm 6'1" so it doesn't look like as much as say a 5'7" tall person...

So I'm choosing to continue to believe my STBXH is an ass, and isn't attracted to me anymore because I got pissed at his infidelity.

everything always goes back to him doesn't it? I guess my weight gain is related to him and my depression.

Well not my weight loss.
That will be ALL ME!!!!!!!!

:)

Got my hair cut!!!!

updated picture.
yippi!

I got banned from MM!

I can't post anymore. :(

List of Stuff I want from partner

So I am making this list... it will help me process what I did love about stbx and what I did not love. It will also help me see if I get infatuated with someone down the road and think "he's the one" then I can come back here and say oh.. hmm... no i guess being "cute" does not make him the one. :P

Things I want:
- Honesty
- Decent sense of humor
- Decent health/not overly overweight
- 100% faithfulness
- Doesn't smoke
- Doesn't do drugs
- Drinks only occasionally, or at the most 2-3 drinks a week, and is responsible about it
- Likes cats
- Educated/getting an education
- Joy of reading (ok maybe not as much as me, but still reads occasionally, be it a news paper or books or whatever)
- wants a family (1-2 kids, maybe adopt one)
- Good to others
- Respectful to others
- Loves and values family members (his and mine)
- Likes to spend time with my family
- Doesn't make fun of me for my zombie obsession
- Likes my silly faces and noises, and encourages them
- Likes going to movies
- Wants to go out dancing with me
- Wants to do activities with me, instead of by himself at least 80% of the time
- Likes to explore sexual stuff with me (outside of involving a 3rd party)
- Doesn't do porn or strippers unless I'm with him and say it's ok
- Is supportive of my career, but would also be supportive if I stayed home with the kids for a while (assuming we could afford it)
- Is smart, and could support us if I lost my job
- Values home ownership
- Open to going to my church
- wants to have grown up conversations
- ok to be silly and playful sometimes too
- wants to have grownup relationships with other couples/people that aren't still in their teens or early 20's.
- not afraid to show me that I am important to him
- places me before all others
- puts our marriage as his #1 priority, besides health and God if he's into God.
- Doesn't do anything that he wouldn't do if I was in the room (besides poo)
- Loves me for me, not for who he wants me to be
- is someone I can love for him, not for who I want him to be

Today's a bad day

I am feeling very lonely, missing my husband, and feeling generally crappy about myself because he left me, and apparently hasn't looked back a single time.

How could he leave me?
How could he not contact me in any way?
How could he just let go so incredibly easily, while I'm left here dying inside?
I loved him so much.
I could never have abandoned him like this. Never.

If I ever get married again

I'm going to do it in my back yard, with a justice of the peace or something similar, and just like, a barbeque.
And I'm going to wear a prom dress.
I even Have it in my closet (no I didn't buy it for that purpose)
and it's black
and it's sooooo me.
And my husband can wear whatever he wants
and it'll be fun, and low key, and cheap, and unpretentious, and great.

My wedding to my STBXH was everything I wanted it to be.
I don't ever want to do it again. I just want to invite our close fam and friends and have a party.
:)

I feel kind of content

I am "working" from home this week, and I've been reading this fabulous book (The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins) and spending time with my kitties and my mom and step dad.

As I sat here watching my kitties, I realize how much they make me happy, how they are so incredibly cute. How I love to just watch them shift their body weight around or look over at me, or come up and rub on my face or hands... they are so perfect and wonderful in every way.
I love them.

And then I think about having kids which I think is what I want so badly, to have a family, and kids don't use litter boxes, and they don't feed themselves, and they're always needy and they're really expensive, and they can cause all kinds of heart ache.

Kitties don't do any of that stuff.

But... Kitties don't talk back to you.... and you can't take them on vacation or out for walks (at least not without problems) and, you can't teach them the alphabet and how to read and arithmetic,.. and stuff.

You can't really be proud of them.

But you can love them. and I think for now I am content in that. My kitties love me, and I love them. and they make me happy.

Time to Lose Weight

So It's official. I'm really fat.

I've gained 25 lbs since my wedding. I had lost some after he left, but I've gained it all back again.

I must make myself work out.
and eat a bit less.
and no more donuts.
and no more milkshakes or other stuff from Sonic. (ok it's not like I drink a milkshake a day but I should really not be having any, ever.)

How to do this?

I have a Wii fit and Wii active stuff.
I used to have a heavy bag in my garage but don't have that anymore, since STBX took it. (it was his)
But I still have the gloves and wraps.
I could just go and buy a new one.... hmm... I have the place to hang it and everything.
I dunno. I didn't relly use it when I had one. I will have to think about this.

I have a giant neighborhood that I could walk around in... :/

I think I am going to try to figure out how to install my Wii Fit/Active.
but I don't wanna do it by myself.
:(

:`(` ` ` `

I think I come on too strong

I'm just so lonely.

I can't believe that my own husband doesn't care about me.

I want someone to care for, and to care about me. a man that I can love.

I believe I am really getting over my husband's betrayal. I just want someone to love. So he's not the one, I get that. I really do. I am moving on. But to what? Being alone? Driving off guys cuz I come on too strong?

I reconnected with this old friend from college, but he seems to be just as messed up as me right now... and I think I scared him off. blah.

Saw pictures by accident

I saw some pictures of my husband by accident, pictures of his modeling.

My thoughts where hmm... yeah his body is good but... he looks a little ridiculous. Meh.

And I put them on his pile of crap for whenever the next time his dad comes over to get stuff.

No Lawn Guy :(

Lawn guy never came by to return my movie. I guess he's going to go on vacation without seeing me. I feel sad :(

Also no word from Husband from ny of the emails I hd written him over the lst 2 or whtever weeks it's been. no clls. no nothing.

He's probably too busy flirting with his real friends on facebook and looking at nasty pictures.

but... when I tped that I really had almost no anger. I am proud of myself. I am letting go.
I'm also getting a bit tired of talking about him nd his suckyness.

Good signs, I think. :)

Good accomplishment for today: I put together the rest of the outdoor dining room chairs. Now I have to put together the table.

My Lawyer

Met with my lawyer today.

oh and by the wy, my a key is broken, so i have to pound it. I am not going bck nd fixing all of the a's tht are missing. so... sorry. :P

my meeting went well with her. she is really super nice and supportive. she explained everything to me, and sid aas soon as he (husband's lwyer) submits the divorce to the court our 60 day count down begins, and I will be officially divorced after tht.
If his lawyer submits the divorce tomorrow, then roughly 2 months from now I will be free.

2 months seems like an incredibly long time.
but it's really not ... i know this. Sigh.

ITCHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ohhhhmygosh my back is SO FRICKIN ITCHY!!!!!!!

I got a really super bad sun burn last weekend, my back was as red as a lobster.
and right now it is driving me INSANE with itchyness.

omgomgomgomg

blahhh!!!!
I need a scratcher.

Someone be my scratcher. just stand behind me and scratch for hours.
aahhhh!!!!!

Embarassed

OK I admit it.
I am a bit embarassed about getting a divorce.
ok a lot embarassed.
because we haven't been married that long.. and I feel like... if we had been married for like 10 years or something it'd be less embarassing.
but really... maybe it'd be MORE embarassing... like... gosh something REALLY bad must've happened you know?

I asked my dad, should I be embarassed and he said nope, that if you're going to get a divorce, getting a divorce when you haven't been married very long is the best time. It made me laugh. I guess it's true. At least we didn't waste any more years of our lives together, and we didn't stay together so long that we had children, or I passed the age of child baring, etc.

so... that is good. :)

Still feeling good!!!

I'm still feeling over it/good!!!
Yay!

I'm getting a little bit nervous about my presentation tomorrow though :P

pride & prejudice & zombies

I posted this in the MM board but no one responded, and since Beezle asked here how it was, i wanted to say that i lost my book at my hotel.
however, i had read enough of it to know that I wasn't really into it.
While I AM going to buy it again, it is simply because I can't bare my library to not have the book in it.

Basically i wasn't into it because the original Pride & Prejudice is one of my all time favorite books. I have read it probably 15 times or something, I have watched every movie/mini series ever made about it over and over and over again. I just simply love teh story. I found it perverted to an extreme with adding zombies and it just made me feel uncomfortable reading it.

Like... like I was being blasphemous or something.

If that makes sense :/

Anyway it was interesting to be sure, and I know that if I had not been such a big fan of the original I would enjoy this book a lot more.
It was just really hard to make myself read it.
and that's never a good sign.

Over all of it

At this moment (and I'm sure it will fluxuate in a couple hours or days or whatever) I am feeling totally over all of this.

Last night I spoke to my husband's ex gf, the mother of his child.
She basically told me that everything that I've been through with him she went througha lso. She brought up all these lies that he told about her to her own family, which he also told me, and my family about her, and how he was stalking her, how he told her to have an abortion (when he says that he really wanted his daughter, etc), how she was afraid he'd try to poison her or beat or to make her have a miscarriage, etc. and all of this other stuff... how he was totally OCD and would twist stuff around all the time, and missremember stuff all of the time, all of the things that he did with me, she said he did with her also (SHE was the one bringing them all up too, and I'd never talked to her about anything negative related to my husband before.)

I kept asking her "Was this before or after the marines?!"
and she kept saying it was all before, well before.
This is how he's always been.

wow... can you believe that?

So he's just plain nuts.
and I'm just plain lucky to be getting out of this.

wow.

I really like his ex gf.
oh and she also told me that she had to have herself committed for a week while they were dating, just to get away from him.
hahahahahaha...god.... it's like... wow.

I feel so much better.
I realize now the following:
1- his issues are not my fault
2- i could not have fixed him
3- our divorce is not my fault
4- he's nuts! like really really super dooper nuts!

I feel such relief. such... I don't know... just... wow.

I am very sad for him.
and I am extremely sad for his dad. So now his dad has to take care of one nutso wife and one nutso son.
sucks for him, and I wish there was something I could do to help. But I tried everything I knew to try and it didn't help.
so. *shrug*

I am letting go of all of it.

I am happy to be single again, or to be single soon rather.
This is for the best.
and I will find someone else who is not nuts, and who makes me happy and whom I can make happy.

Dating

So I asked my mom when she thought I should start dating after the divorce is final.
She said the very next week, but to not obsess over it, to not be looking for "the one", but rather to just go out and have fun, enjoy myself, and see where stuff leads me. She said we have to do a lot better job vetting the next guy.
LOL

and obviously, JIC you guys don't know, I will not date anyone until my divorce is final, and I am officially single. I am not an adulteress.

Emails

If anyone wants to share their email with me for communication outside of this blog or MM, please do so in the comments. :)

I did write... but it was short.

This is what I said.
____
Are you sure that this is what you want?
That there are no alternatives for you?
That you never want to see me again?
Are you sure?

If so, (or if not) know that I have forgiven you in my heart for leaving me, and for the breaches of trust.
I have forgiven you for giving up on us, and for making the decision to get a divorce.

I have let go of my anger Chris, of all of it.
I am sad beyond measure, but I wish you health, happiness, and fulfillment in your life.

I miss you, I miss your smile, I miss your laugh and your wave to our crazy neighbors.
I love you

____

It is all true.
I know I said I don't miss him specifically. I think at the time I didn't. Right now I do.
But, most of all, I have forgiven him. He has done what he felt was necessary. It doesn't mean that I have to agree with it, or can't be hurt by it, but it does mean that He did what He felt was necessary... and I cannot be angry about it anymore. I cannot be angry at him for everything from the past.
I just can't be angry anymore. It's not helping anything.
I am letting go of it.
I am not asking for him back. I am not going to write him ever again. I am letting go.
It is very sad, but I'm no longer angry, and that is a relief. I have been too angry for too long, and it was making me bitter.

I feel like I'm going to puke.

that is all.

Lawyers....

I talked to my husband's lawyer today.
bleh. that was not fun.

He is agreeing to almost all constraints I have on the divorce for it to be uncontested/no fault. However he asked for 3K and also asked to have the washing machine and dryer back.

That actually pissed me off a LOT.
First - he's living with his parents. what the F is he going to do with another w/d ???
second - it was a wedding gift. actually the money that was used to buy it was a wedding gift.
third - i spent the time buying it
fourth - i spent the time installing it!
fifth - i spent the time teaching him how to use it!
and now he wants to take it.
I said no way. I said "That's ridiculous. That is mine, and will remain in my home. If he wants it back, as it was paid for by wedding gift money, then he can give me the 10k that the wedding cost, since he walked out on the marriage. And he can pay me the $300 a month that I'm paying for his health insurance, that I can't get rid of until the divorce is final."
The lawyer said that he didn't think he'd have any issue with letting me keep the w/d.
Oh and I said no i'm not giving him a single dime of my money either. He left, he agreed he didn't deserve anything, and nothing is exactly what he's getting. Period. I said I was completely inflexible on that.
ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Things to say to my husband

This morning I was thinking about my husband.
I had another bad nightmare last night... but I can't remember it anymore, other than I know he was in it, and was the cause of it being a nightmare...

After the divorce is final I want to send him an email that says this:

To My Ex-Husband:

Are you happy?
Does it make you happy to ignore me? To never respond to what I write you, or to call, or anything?
Does it make you happy to pretend as though I never existed?
Did it make you happy to take away my daughter, to take away my parent's grandchild, whom they loved, cherished, and always wanted?
Did it make you happy to leave me, to abandon me, when my time of need was greatest?
DId it make you happy to spread lies and hatefulness to our family and friends?
Did it make you happy to plan and plot to leave me, when I was out of town?
Did it make you happy to avoid all conflict of any kind?
Does it make you happy to know that you treated me not as if I was your wife, but as if I was your girlfriend, who got annoying, so you got rid of me? Like a 14 year old?
Did it make you happy to delete me from your friends list, when I was still your wife?
Does it make you happy to know that you gave up? That you didn't even try? That you refused to go to even a single marriage counseling session?
Did it make you happy to lie to me, when you told me you were going to go to marriage counseling? When you told me you loved me? When you told me you'd never leave me? When you told me that we would work through anything? When you told me you'd never divorce me? When you told my father you were leaving me, but then looked me straight in the eye and told me you weren't? Did it make you happy to tell me so many lies?
Does it make you happy to know that you have no wife?
Does it make you happy to not love me?
Does it make you happy to think of me alone? Or do you just not ever even think of me?

Seriously think about the answer to every one of these questions.

If you answered No to even a single one, my next question to you is: Why did you do it then?
If it didn't make you happy, why did you do it?

Because it didn't make ME happy.
And if you think, even for one single second, that what you've done has made me happy you are wrong. You are more wrong than you have ever been in your life.

All I ever wanted from you was for you to treat me as though you loved me, you wanted me, you needed me, and your honored me and our marriage. That you put me above all others in your life, as I did for you. As you promised me you would, as I promised you I would, and as I did. As a man should do for his wife.

I never asked for you to make money, I never asked for you to do anything other than love me, and TREAT me like you love me. I provided everything for you. What did you provide to me?

Are you happy?

My guess is this:
You ARE happy. And the only thing that would make you happier is if you had Pete.
I am nothing to you. I haven't been anything to you in a very long time.
You were everything to me.
And none of this makes me happy.

dance lesson

Oh I forgot, I had my dance lesson today, and it went really super well!!!
I did good, I remembered most of my dance steps from when we took lessons for the wedding, and it was great seeing my instructor again. He told me at the end that he had really had a lot of fun during the lesson, enjoyed it, and was very happy to see me again.
:D:D:D:D
Made me feel really great, because that's exactly what I was thinking!!!

lawn guy part duex

Well... the lawn guy came today.
sigh.
i am a freak :(

I talked
and talked
and talked
and talked
and basically tried to force him to be my friend.

I am psycho. :(

He probably will never speak to me again. :(

He is super dooper nice.
We talked about what we do for a living.. and movies, and music.. and video games... but then he was like he really had to go, etc etc... and i mentioned where I was going dancing, and said if he ever feels like doing something different than his normal saturday, he and his friend should stop by there, and told him that i was going dancing there tonight... and the kind of place it is (goth club) etc.
he was like... ok well see you next time (i.e. next time he mows the lawn) afterwards.

definitely not coming out tonight.

i even invited them over for grilling out, said I just got a new grill today, etc.

god I am a FREAK.

I even made fun of myself, saying OK you are scared of me now right? cuz i was talking and let him borrow a movie and asked if he ever wanted to come over to play xbox 360 with his video gaming friend (apparently he has a friend that comes over on saturdays and they have like a guys night, with video game and beer and movies...)

He said no that he wasn't scared, but probably was screaming YESSSS inside.

He seems so nice and interesting and just.. neato.

and I want to be friends :(

and i'm too much of a freak.

waaaahhh!!!!!

jesus I suck at making friends.

Nope

I was wrong. He hasn't changed his mind. My FIL just thought that maybe I don't get served in a non-contested divorce.
Now I feel sad again.
I thought maybe... you know.. maybe he decided he loved me and wanted me.

But I was wrong.
heh.

Interesting

My father in law emailed me today answering a question I had about my husband's service record that I needed, and he replied that my husband has met with another lawyer, who wishes to contact me.
I thanked him for givng me the information, let him know I left a message with the lawyer, and asked if I should expect to be served with papers soon.
He just replied and said "I don't think so."
...
???????
What does that mean?
So I replied saying "What do you mean"
ha
and now I'm all freaked out.
What does that mean?!?!

Also, what is the most interesting, is that I felt dread thinking that maybe Chris had changed his mind.
:o

Am I actually wanting the divorce now?

still no word from him

I can't believe that he hasn't written a text, an email, a facebook or myspace message (not that he's added me back as his friend or anything but still can send messages) or a phone call. Absolutely no contact of any kind.

He must really not give a damn about me.
He has no idea how I am.
And I guess he just doesn't give a shit.

I can't believe this is what my husband has turned into.

Yesterday my mom was talkig to me, and she said that I'd have to be as skinny as a rail for him to be attracted to me, because she's seen the look of disgust he has when he watches me walk away (looking at my butt.)
I was like... ohmyfrickingod did you really just need to say that?!?!?!
and then she mentioned my pouch belly that I always didn't want to have.

I said... that is totally uncalled for. what on earth posesses you to tell someone something awful about themselves when they already feel so incredibly depressed?!?!??! What good could possibly come from it!!!??? She said that she was sorry, was just trying to help.

Jesus H Chrispies.
not helping!
HELLO!!!

damn.

Realizations

I had a realization today, on the marta (I'm in Atlanta til tomorrow) ... I realized that I don't exactly miss my husband so much as I miss having someone to share things with and tell them that I love them, and hold them and kiss them, and I miss being able to say "My Husband" or talk about looking forward to seeing my husband, or this and that. I miss wanting to look at his pictures. I miss being able to look at our wedding photos with happiness.

But do I miss HIM?
I don't really think so.
I miss who he used to be, for sure, but I've been missing that man for so long that I'm used to it, it's nothing new.

I don't miss my husband.
I miss marriage.

Please please please

Good times for a change....
See the life I've had can make a good man bad.
So, please please please...
let me!
let me!
let me!
Let me get what I want this time.
I haven't had a dream in a long time....
But see the life I've had can make a good man turn bad.
So for once in my life
let me
Get what I want....
Oh Lord knows... it would be the first time.
Lord knows it would be the first time....

Look after myself for a change

So I talked to my mom this morning, and todl her I was grasping at straws, because maybe I could tell the judge that my husband is mentally incompetent to file for divorce.
But after talking about it for a while, here is my conclusion:
1 - I don't want a divorce because I took vows that said I would be with this man until my dying breathe.
2 - I don't break promises, if there's anything I can do to help it.
3 - I feel it would make me into a liar, that I stood before God, and all my family and friends and said I would love and be there to support my husband in all things for the rest of my life. and I'm not a liar.
4 - I want to take care of someone.
5 - Mom says I always have put others before me, always put underdogs before others, and always doen everything I can to help other people, but always also forsaken myself in the process.
She says now is the time that I have to take care of myself. Could I probably have my husband committed, thereby becoming his power of attorney and not allowing him to divorce me? Probably, yes. But what would it gain me? Would my husband suddenly start loving me again? Would I have a happy marriage? Or would it be even worse than it was before, because I'd STILL be married to a man who doesn't love me, I'd STILL be miserable every single day, even though I had really good times with him I'd still be miserable too. I'd still be putting him and his daughter before my own health, happiness, and wellbeing.

Is there a good possibility that my husband has severe psychological issues above and beyond PTSD? Yes... I now think there is. I think he may be a borderline paranoid schizophrenic. His mother is very much schizophrenic... his mother's brothers and father have severe emotional issues, one is completely gun crazy, has like an entire arsenal at his home, i mean major amounts of guns and amunition... as in, he could put down an entire zombie army on his own, and not even break a sweat.

Is that someone that I want to have children with?
Is that someone I want to sacrifice my life for?

I just don't think so any more.

The only reason I am holding onto this marriage is because of the promises and vows that I made to him and to myself and to my family and friends and to God, if God exists.

Is that a good enough reason to stay married?

My mom says that he nullified our marriage and my promises to him when he refused to keep a single promise that he's ever made to me. That he nullified our marriage when he refused to stay with me, refused to try, refused to tell me the truth about things, refused to take any steps to show me that he loved me and put me before others. That it's ok if I divorce him, because in truth we have never been married, and his insanity or whatever it is, has nullified the vows we took, because he did not really understand what is required by a married man.

I am not sure.

I still feel as though his actions, and my divorcing him (or being divorced by him, whatever) have made me a promise breaker. a vow breaker. a liar, and a bad wife.

for isn't it my job as a wife to stand by my husband, to support him through trials and tribulations?
That is my belief.

Mom says it is nullified by his actions and words.

What is right?

I was a proud wife

I was so proud to be a wife of a Marine.
I was so proud to be a wife of a veteran.

I would be so proud to be the wife of another soldier in the future.

But..

I'd really appreciate it if he wasn't nuts.

:P

bad

Why did you abandon me?
Why did you not love me enough?
Why did you just give up?
You're a quitter.
You're a coward.
You're a promise breaker.
You're a lie maker.
You broke me down, day after day.
and now I have to build myself back up again, alone.

Songs I love to Dance To

Here are songs that I love (recorded versions), and love to dance to, though some may make me sad now:

30 Seconds to Mars - Was it a dream?
Misfits - Dig up her bones
Cruxshadows - A Promise Made (Wedding Day) --- :`( This is the last dance we had at our wedding... God how I love it. I still love it though... whew. This is perhaps one of my all time favorite songs.
30 Seonds to Mars - The Kill
30 Seonds to Mars - The Beautiful Lie
Morrissey - There is a light that never goes out
Morrissey - How Soon is Now
Morrissey - I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris
Morrissey - That's how People Grow Up
Cruxshadows - Cruelty
Project Pitchfork - I Live Your Dream
Project Pitchfork - Timekiller
And One - Sometimes
And One - The Force

and tons of others. happy!

Jared Leto

I've decided that I don't need H anymore, as long as I have Jared Leto.
*drooooooooooooooooooool*

30 Seconds to Mars is about my most favorite band now.
*happy sigh*

Anyone dig them?

Insurance

I just found out that I do not have to get new homeowners or car insurance!!!!!!!!!!!

Our insurance is through USAA, since my husband was in the service, and their prices are amazing and their service is out of this world exceptional, and I am so incredibly happy and releaved and tearful that I don't have to find another insurance... I am so happy I teared up.

*happy sigh*

I was stressing so much about it. I was afraid to call because I didn't want to hear bad news.

Nightmares

Every night I am tormented by nightmares.
Nightmares of my husband,
Nightmares of being alone,
Nightmares of being abandoned,
Nightmares of not being good enough.

Every night I wake up at 2 or 3 or 4, and I can't go back to sleep.
I'm so tired.... yet all I can see is his face.

I am moving past wanting him back. I think to myself, when is the last time you were happy? When is the last time that you really felt good about yourself when you were around your husband?

The answeris.... so long ago I cannot remember.

I spoke with an old friend last night for almost two hours. I had the best time talking to someone that I've had in... I don't know, years I think for sure... how many I am not sure.
Why didn't I have that with my husband anymore?
Well, I didn't, and that's all that matters.
I had to leave my home and spend time with other people to enjoy myself, to have fun, to laugh, to reall trully laugh, and feel wanted.

Dance Lessons!

I've scheduled my first individual dance lesson for Saturday!!!
Yay!! I'm excited.
I'm also a little scared.
I'm feeling not so great about myself this evening, and a little nervous but still really excited. :)

I'm really not sure how I'm going to get everything done at work that i have to either. I'm having a seriously hard time concentrating.

Additionally, my company just started a sabatical program that you can takea sabatical for 1-6 months.
I'm seriously considering doing this after august, when my current project is over with.
*nods*

Have appointment with lawyer... :(

Well I just got a call back from the lawyer. I have a first meeting with her setup.

Costs $200 an hour. UGH.

Oh well.
this sucks.

that is all.

Happy encounter with Lawn Man

story about lawn man in a second.
Here are my current thoughts:

1. i am a good person
2. i'm not perfect
3. i'm not angelina jolie in looks
4. but I'm nice looking
5. and i'm a nice person
6. and i'm a good person
7. and I was a FANTASTIC wife, and my husband has admitted that, and agrees with that 100%.

so. he's crazy man.

ok lawn man story:

I met a lawn man who was mowing the lawn of my neighbor. I went out to ask how much it would cost to mow my lawn, as I'm kind of overwhelmed with handling all of the house stuff by myself going through such emotional stress right now. I generally handled the house stuff by myself before, but I wasn't on the verge of nervous breakdowns either! haha. and my husband DID do some stuff, so I have additional duties now.

Lawn Man is probably around 35.
he owns his house, lived in the neighborhood by himself for 12 years. his house is the same coloring as mine, but is 3 bedrooms. he bought it thinking that he'd have a family. He's never been married, and has no kids.
(He told me all this stuff. i didn't stalk him, rofl)

additionally he's really close with his mom from what he's mentioned, and her birthday was last week. he said he talked to her for an hour.
and he's going on vacation for a week in a couple weeks, so won't be able to mow lawn during that time. vacation is I think at a beach, not sure, but with his family...he goes every year.

also, his brother is getting a divorce, because he was heavy into drug use and his SIL was bitchy, but still didn't deserve what all brother put her through.

and he's an excellent lawn boy.
:D

he knows i'm getting a divorce, cuz i rambled about it for a minute, then apologized for rambling and he said it was ok, but my goal is to not ever talk about divorce or my husband again. i just explained it was difficult because it was a shock and he just went crazy.

oh and when he was talking about his SIL I said, oh well that's not the problem with my divorce(bitchyness) , because I'm wonderful.. I said it with a big grin, and laughed, and he smiled and said that I seemed pretty nice alright.

rofl

it was fun. it made me feel so nice to have a normal conversation.

I have difficulties not writing him

It's not so terribly hard to not call... because I don't know if he'd even answer and I know he would hear me crying.
but it's very hard to not keep writing him. To not text message him. To not email him. To not send him a letter.

It is so hard to not send him pictures of us together. of us smilying, of our kiss at the wedding.

It is so hard to see his picture accidentally on one of my computers, or a place in the house that I forgot to take down.

But who am I kidding? that man is not this new man. This new man that looks at me with scorn. That man was a wonderful, kind, strange, silly man. This new man is hateful, spiteful, vengeful and arrogant.

I need to keep telling myself that this man is not my husband. My husband is gone. It is much as if my husband died.. and some doppleganger came into my home.

Perhaps if I think about it this way I will be able to better grieve. My husband is gone, and he is never coming back.

How would I handle it if he had died instead?

My Name (FooFoo)

So my name is FooFoo... it's a nickname that my husband gave me, but I love it, and it has evolved past him, and I keep it now, just like I'm keeping my married name. It is part of who I am now, and have been for years. It is me!

I am foofoo.
rawr!

hehe

But seriously... it's also my DJ name.
DJ FooFoo!!

Stuff I'll post about

I suppose I will use this to try and help me get through my impending divorce, and figuring out what my life is now that I am once again single (or will be shortly.)

Thanks to the MMers who suggested and encouraged me to start a blog. Hopefully it will help.

I will post about my marriage, my divorce, my cats, my life in general, etc etc.

I would love comments... i like feedback and suggestions. Sometimes I can't see clearly on something when it's hurting me so badly... so feedback is helpful and appreciated, even if I don't particularly like what you have to say.

otherwise I guess this is just for me to get stuff out.
yay.

first post

seeing if this works... la la la la.